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Songs of Healing

by Olivia White

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1.
I wanted nothing Silence to allow me to drown myself in a fantasy Solace in the loopings of the carpet and their privacy This - absurdly satisfying - leading me to misery Shrinking in fear thinking of the knock at the door I will hear I wanted nothing But lucky me, lucky me, lucky me I got everything (Everything means everything) But I wanted nothing All I wanted were the stars while sleeping on the trampoline Leave me with the bluebells in the shadows of the rising spring Rain of any season - keep me hidden in the evergreens Wanted nothing but the world as it was to envelope me But lucky me, lucky me, lucky me I got everything (Everything means everything) Everything means everything I’ll never tell a soul all the things that I’ve seen Walk into my room, walk into my heart rate rising - crying, trying to cut out my eyes Sit and stare just sit there Clothes off - my space But keep them close just in case You don’t want to know everything -
2.
It's Nice 02:56
It's nice to see I don't have to self-destruct When I'm with you I get confused Is this joy mine? But then again, when will I self-destruct again? When will I find a way - a reason - to just fucking leave? When I sleep and in my dreams I can't connect to myself When I go to work and nothing that I say is myself When I drink til I can't even remember myself And the evening sends my spiraling against myself When I touch myself and I can't even feel myself When I stare at the screen to try to forget myself When I lay in bed til I don't want to live as myself When I'm honest I'm still running away from myself
3.
I wish I could know you even though I'm never going to I don't want to see you, and I won't change my attitude It's not a real option - have you ever even been around? I wish I could say, "How are you?" Such a simple thing. But that's not me - I don't owe you anything Yeah, I know I no longer need to be afraid But I keep looking over my shoulder No this ain't about a lover But if you relate to that more, then sure When I think about you I mostly feel pity I wish I could say, "How are you?" Such a simple thing. But that's not me - I don't owe you anything
4.
Options 03:35
What I am, what's been done to me I'll repeat for eternity shining through every cell of me taking all of my energy little weeds growing underneath roots too deep to ever really see sprouting leaves that I keep shredding digging now, later refilling find a piece, try to make it clean - It's a waste of my energy, repeating for eternity It's a waste I'll repeat Here - let's talk about solutions: never think that thought again; walk around in the arboretum; wake up with the birds or just stay up waiting for them Here - let's talk about solutions: walk into the water and then...just have a nice swim I'm just laying out the options Thinking of taking it all in. Here - let's talk about solutions: get a nice sharp razor blade and then...just have a nice shave I'm just laying out my thoughts Trying to get them to behave
5.
Get on, get on You can't keep everyone going around giving love going around with nothing on Get on, get on You can't please everyone living life like a grave that says, "Yeah, they were great" Everyone you loved becoming one The water's warm beneath the storm It all crumbles apart - the earth breaks into dark Horror surrounds - frantic pulse and frantic pound Hold on, hold on You can't leave everyone Separated by a thin membrane of blue light surrounding skin Well I guess I'm awake to a bright new shining day I guess I'm supposed to just stand up and take a joke But who is the dreamer? Is it me Was that anything It all slips away like another yesterday
6.
Suffocated by the fly upon the cabinet There's so much to feel - I shut out some of it And if there's healing in the world you are my part of it When we're surrounded by mountains and open skies, the smell and the sound of the sea retreating, reaching all the way back from tomorrow: here I lay myself where we bask, I'm immersed Take me at my invitation: pull at my teeth, fuck relief, make me free

about

These lyrics focus on my mental health w/r/t bipolar disorder, ptsd, and suicide. It's moving toward (or trying to move toward) creating new narratives of healing, growth, and joy. If you want to album and can't pay for it, let me know and I'll send it to you! And if anyone wants to talk about any of the subjects that come up in these songs, I am happy to discuss the work. Love you

credits

released August 21, 2020

olv - vocals, guitar, synth, lyrics
ian - drums, grooves
max - bass, grooves

recorded by Geoff Traeger at Way Out Studios
album cover by Olivia White, Trevor Brown, and Koji Minami

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Olivia White Seattle, Washington

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