1. |
Turn
04:26
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I spend days holding
myself in blankets, holding
off on
the oncoming colors
blooming then browning on concrete
off on
weeks of friends and sex, I’ll seem
to find sleep less necessary -
then
submit to the break or
burst near my lungs, tighten
myself against the falling leaves
for fear of strange desolation -
doug-fir woods in green winter
green but bleak -
keep distant
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2. |
Strings of Thought
04:47
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Always thinking of when I was always thinking of you.
Missing how I felt when I’d be feeling you,
but it’s always just been a way to tell myself I’m okay -
to seem happy & healthy & wise.
But I’m not - but I’m not, & you must have known.
We both ignored it but it was nothing new, nothing.
I can’t walk up to anyone anymore
At parties I’m laughing or sneaking away
Alone I am strings of thought - the purple flower in concrete
Dusk appears again - a host of closing eyes
I swear it would be different out there - just me living in the trees
But I lie, I’m too weak weak weak to go alone
I remember loving (/fucking) you like it wasn’t me loving you.
I remember Orion’s belt from the trampoline like it wasn’t me
but someone else’s childhood memory. Avoiding connecting myself
to the child inside for fear of strange desolation -
for fear of finding myself still unworthy of love.
I haven’t had love now for quite a while -
Quite a while now, quite a while now, quite a while now.
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3. |
Skipping
04:45
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|
We all have our ups and downs, ups and downs
It’s not hard to travel - just save up a couple hundred.
Broke doesn’t mean broke to people with money
I’ve got sixty-four cents. It’s all I’ve had for two weeks
and I’m not really living off of it.
It’s funny to hear them say it
but not so funny when I say no I really mean it.
Skipping work sounds like being naughty -
people think I’m fucking around -
well sometimes it’s true but starts
off with a darker kind of mood.
We all have our ups and downs, ups and downs.
Friends who never ask any questions or don’t really want to hear
make me wonder what I’m doing trying to be vulnerable.
Everyone thinks they have all the answers -
“We all have our ups and downs” they say
though they know the situation
but never validate any of it.
This makes me feel like I’m crazy for having such a difficult time
day after day - it seems a lifetime.
I’m running out of things to say and you’ll say,
“We all have our ups and downs, ups and downs.”
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4. |
Arbhang
04:21
|
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5. |
Waste
04:40
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I take all the time I need - it isn’t enough time.
You come over frequently - can’t say I really mind.
It’s strange to wake up every day and feel my dreams
as new memories. I guess I don’t feel like I’m missing out,
on the person I’d like to be - I get none of me - I’m wasted
with everyone else.
Wasting time worrying about wasting time
waiting in the ground to be discovered
like an artifact from some dead culture
like the bones of the unknown
Spent years telling myself, “This time, I’ll get shit done.”
Spent years not doing anything without telling anyone.
My phone shows missed calls from loved ones
but I can’t care cause they’re not here.
Filled to the brim with the breathing in,
with the layered greens of simple leaves.
It’s just me and my fellow tree.
Wasting time worrying about wasting time
waiting in the ground to be discovered
like an artifact from some dead culture
like the bones of the unknown
I watch the wall again.
I take all the time I need, I take all the time
It’s never enough, it’s never enough, it’s never enough
time
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6. |
Merge
04:49
|
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Thought I could fall into the stars but it turns out
they’re too far from the diving board.
Thought with you gone I’d see the patterns in the leaves
but it’s still just me and, sometimes, your impression dancing
on my vision. Stared too long at your light eyes.
Those years stand far from me but I still see them at arm’s reach.
I try to just observe the downpour that darkens the hot cement curbs
but can’t help but try to merge.
I know there’s nothing between but time and new memories
and the air to remind me
my mind tries to merge -
my eyes try to observe -
I remain apart.
How is it that I still dream of you? Years go by -
I still dream of you. All we did was sit together
and laugh at the movie on dream tv. Woke up
congested and weird, wondered what you think of now.
Thought I could merge, become the greater earth
but I just turned to softer dirt.
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7. |
Down
03:03
|
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When I saw how down I could be I thought I'd never look
anyone in the eye again, but instead I started telling everyone
how down I could be - downing all those pills I mean.
Sure things are looking up - I mean, I'm getting a job; I'm going outside;
I'm singing again like I'm back in business;
but there's too much history there with myself.
I still want to be successful in everything I do so I don't do much of anything at all
but dream, and sleep in, and dream.
Down the stairs to my room I feel tobacco loose on my tongue,
spit in the sink without looking as I try to catch my eye -
but I don't have time.
My feet are still, my hands shake -
(someone passes over me)
there's something I've forgotten to do -
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8. |
Child
05:05
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I wonder if you’ll look at me again
for longer than a millisecond.
Don’t know what I want from this -
it’s just a thought I made exist
to feel close again to anyone -
I won’t pretend
at least I’ll try not to.
When we walked down from your house
the moon burned orange - large as a mouth.
Of course we wanted different things
from you and me but otherwise we were fine.
I held back my honesty to be happy
just holding you and sleeping
and I was, I was, I was.
I’m not older - I’m just a child.
I’m not mature - I’m still a child.
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