Strings of Thought

from green but bleak by Olivia White

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lyrics

Always thinking of when I was always thinking of you.
Missing how I felt when I’d be feeling you,
but it’s always just been a way to tell myself I’m okay -
to seem happy & healthy & wise.
But I’m not - but I’m not, & you must have known.
We both ignored it but it was nothing new, nothing.

I can’t walk up to anyone anymore
At parties I’m laughing or sneaking away
Alone I am strings of thought - the purple flower in concrete
Dusk appears again - a host of closing eyes
I swear it would be different out there - just me living in the trees
But I lie, I’m too weak weak weak to go alone

I remember loving (/fucking) you like it wasn’t me loving you.
I remember Orion’s belt from the trampoline like it wasn’t me
but someone else’s childhood memory. Avoiding connecting myself
to the child inside for fear of strange desolation -
for fear of finding myself still unworthy of love.
I haven’t had love now for quite a while -
Quite a while now, quite a while now, quite a while now.

credits

from green but bleak, released April 7, 2018

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Olivia White Seattle, Washington

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